Oh whoever whoever curses me, I’ll only look at you
Even when I’m born again, it’s still only you
(Still Still) Even as time goes by
---------------------------------------------------
I’m afraid of living with my eyes open
Because I know if I look for you I won’t see you
It seems better to fall asleep exhausted
After longing for you
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
I think Im a playa! D:
Sometimes I think of people at our school as playthings (toys). Their feelings are so easy to manipulate and control. I could make someone like me, I could make someone hate me, I could make someone admire me. It seems like it is all a game. If I focus on someone, I could change the way they view something. But after a while, they get boring and I leave them. I know its cruel, but I like to toy with people. Not you guys of course. lol. But others. They seem to simple. Like they do not have any depth. Whereas you guys aren't what you seem like at first, that's why I never get bored with you guys. I think I need a boyfriend that won't bore me. Because, you see, I abandon things easily. Does that seem cruel? My thoughts and actions scare me o.o
I LOVE YOU 5:21 PM
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I think that I've been extremely moody these past few days... It seems to have gotten boring after the Talent Show. I really want to do that again :) Biiippoollaarr. Lately, I've been really happy, then pissed, then sad, then thoughtful, then happy, etc.. IWANTACHALLENGE! Or at least something that keeps me busy and happy. That's what dancing did, for a while. I got to really work hard at something, then it got acknowledged. Today Moth said that this is the longest time she's ever kept friends, and I told Mina, "We don't even like her, how could she call us her friends." I bet she doesn't like all of us, just a certain few. But my friends are part of me, so if she doesn't like them, she doesn't like parts of me, meaning I don't like her either. I love them so much. :) It feels like, I'd do anything for them, and I'm only who I really am, when I'm around them. I have to act different around everyone else, "put on a mask", and it feels like I could only take it off when I'm around them, or some people in my family I'm really close to. Mina (Nana): the "mature" "mom" out of us. At least that's how I see her. She is such a contrast to me, but I feel that in some ways, shes the same. I don't understand, but she knows how I'm feeling, and exactly whats on my mind. Even when I lie and tell her, that shes wrong, I don't think she believes me. :) Lol. I know that I may seem foolish to others, but I think Mina knows, that I have to act like this, because I love to see them laugh, but also because, I'm afraid I'll get boring and lose them. I could act foolish and like a kid with Mina, because I know that just like a mom, she'll pick me up, (scold me -cough cough-) and then tell me that its okay. I wish words could express the impact shes made on my life. Because of her, I want to be a better, stronger person.. like her. If only she knew how beautiful she is in my eyes. I love Nana, Mina, and my Unnie forever ♥
Stephanie (Stephy/Manager): Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie... :) I feel that I could tell her all my problems, and she probably wont judge. Shed probably agree, by the way. lol. Shes so sweet, even though it may be hard to see. But, I feel that she really cares even when she says that she doesn't. Otherwise, she wouldn't bother to talk to us... Because she doesn't really bother to acknowledge the people she doesn't like... I know this from experience. Shes the most outspoken, and will tell you how she feels and if she doesn't like you, you'd know. I think... that Stephy is the most emotionally brave out of us. Saranghae Stephy ♥
Mei Mei (Minmi/Almighty): This loser right here isn't shy, shes just soft spoken. It's simple... If she doesn't like you, she won't talk to you, if she does, she would say a whole worlds worth of things. She's one of those whose actions speak louder than words, and her actions ultimately tell me that she loves... wait for it.. me! No, jk, but she cares about her friends, and we have a big influence in her life. At least from what I can see about her. To tell the truth, Ive never actually seen mei mei really annoyed or mad. Its either shes really good at hiding it, or shes really easygoing. Either way, she's amazering. :) Ti Amo Almighty Minmi ♥
Justina (Yun/"Our Lead Dancer"): If I could count how many times Justina's saved my butt from getting in trouble, I'd go "michyo, michyo baby". She's the one in our group who's calm at the right moments, but also knows when to get mad. One of my memories about Justina, is her getting mad at some kid for being rude. It seems that she does that alot. When we don't say anything, it seems that people could tell that something is bothering us because of something someone else did, because Justina's either telling them that they're being rude or to go away (Or possibly glaring at them) :o To me... while Mina's like a mom or an eldest sister, Justina, reminds me of a sister a little older than me, but I can always depend on. Ashiteru Yunnie ♥
Jessie (Dongseng/Boss): It's our groups dongseng! Possibly, one of the most easy going out of all us. I personally think that its really strange how she could be the tallest, but act like my imaginary little sister. I think that its possible that she likes all 5 of us better than anyone else in Commodore... Even though every other conversation between me and her goes like
"Hey Arianne. Guess what" "What?" "You're gay" "Your mom" "Your face"...etc. I don't think she gets enough credit, that she deserves. She may be downgraded by certain people -cough- moth&bubbles -cough-, she is an important person in our little friendship circle. Without her, we wouldn't have as much laughter as you'd think we would. Je' taime our Dongseng that somehow managed to be our boss. ♥
Jessica (Mexican/My favorite nonasian friend): Jessica! She's so cute to me, and I show my affection for her by picking on her. Sometimes, I wish though, that just because I treat her a certain way, people wouldn't make fun of her. I know I'm being a hypocrite, but I don't think that they love her as much as I do. And I'm just talking about some other people that place the people they like in front of their friends. I think that sometimes, she can be really hurt, but she has that personality that can bounce back and be happy again. Although I call this her naivety, I try to understand her. I think she feels invisible between her brother and younger siblings. But Don't worry Jessica, you are our friend, which is really hard to be. This means that you're special and have greater potential than I think even you believe. Hwaiting! Mahal Kita, my favorite Mexican in the whole world ♥
In my mind, don't blame me, but I sort of made a little family. The future is the only thing that scares me beyond compare, wondering where we will all be, and what will be happening to all of us. I feel the need to somehow be there to make sure we are all okay, and never feel lonely, or worthless. As they all enter my life, they take a piece of me, whether they want to or not. They could chose to keep it, or throw it away. But If they chose to keep it, they have to keep themselves happy, because that's the only way to keep that one piece happy. They all are the prettiest people, Ive ever seen, and probably will ever see. I will never change in the future, because I know, that there isn't much wrong with me, because Ive somehow managed to make and keep such amazing friends. Our family will never exist without each other. Saranghae... more than words can express. ♥♥♥
I LOVE YOU 5:22 PM
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Hi! Haven't really been on here much, because I was sick? Ughh.. no.. that was a lie. Though, I must admit, I was really sick. I came to school Wednesday... thats it. I think it was a fever? Everyone in the whole house is sick. The talent show is coming up! :) I can't wait. I am Jonghyun, justina is taemin, Mina is Minho, Mei mei is Key, Katelyn is Onew. I need to get my vocals stronger again. My voice is soo weak now T^T. Have I ever mentioned how I just really hate fakes and liars. All they do is lie lie lie to make themselves seem cooler. They follow trends to stand out. It's like WTF! MOTH!!!IHATEHERSOMUCH! I dont really know why she makes me so mad. Everything about her is so annoying. "I continue to hate those I originally hated because they keep doing things I hate" Taekyung said this, and I couldn't agree more. Actually after I get to know a person a little more, I like them, but this is not the point. She's just so ugly to me, inside and out. Things at home don't really seem to pick up either. I seem so... hated? No... out of place. I dont fit in, and I cant wait to leave. Im an only girl and a stepchild. It seems like Im just someone in the corner, watching everyone have a good time. I cant make myself fit right. I always get looked at, like "youre not allowed to do that to my child". or "Your being to invasive, get out." I think thats why I try to be the least trouble I could. But its so hard. I want to be a kid, not always be so mature all the time. I miss Joseph. He would understand.
I LOVE YOU 2:17 PM
Monday, December 20, 2010
A Blog!!
Finally got a blog! Yay! I didn't realize I had one already, though. Looking at it now, I feel sort of strange... It's all dark and angst teen-like. Compared to this one... Actually I don't remember feeling dark and green before. But that's not saying much... I don't really remember 6th grade at all. Now I come to refer to it as my 'dark age'. I have to admit, I was just a sad, mopey, teen that thought that I was better than everyone else. I was this [image on left] and became this [image on right]. I fond something going through my myspace (I don't use it anymore). It's a poem, here's the first stanza:
How can you try to patch my broken heart
only to rip a bigger hole, left to bleed
stabbing over and over the only part
taking away my happiness, my smile, with greed
I look back at this and think, what did i have to be so darn depressed about in the sixth grade? I got good grades, had friends, family was amazing.... What was it? I was a incredibly negative person to be around. Must have been quite a sight, huh? I think I helped bring the 'emotional' trend to school. Peers must have thought it was cool to be so angry at everything. But I tell you, it isn't. I feel so much better now that different. I love smiles, whether they be on the faces of my peers, family, or myself. I think everyone looks at their best when they have a genuine smile. How did I change so?
Anyway... It's winter break, almost Christmas and the New Year. 2011! Where has the time gone? I miss school... Ive only been out for three days, but Commodore is actually looking alot brighter to me. I have the best friends ever, and [almost] everyone is really nice. Guess that's what happens when you finally open up. Omg. now the topic I've had on my mind for a while...guys. I've been told numerous times, by both people I know and people I barely meet to not let boys take over my mind. But they aren't taking over my mind, they're just in a corner of it. I got five candy grams. Is that the most I've ever gotten? Probably. I need to learn how to politely reject people. I don't like saying 'no' to people I barely know. Is that strange? A 7th grader keeps asking me out... And I have a feeling a few other 7th graders want to. I'm waiting for the right one to ome along though... A guy at a Christmas party played the piano for me.. and the guitar. He sat next to me in chairs when we had to get in a circle... He's nice enough, but the fact that he could play attractive (sexy) instruments just got him alot of brownie (sexy) points. I think he's way older than me, he has a job. Idk, he looked about 15 or 16. I watched some kids, because a lady asked me to. She said that she needed to get her older son.. And I was just losing air hockey to a 7 year old, when he walked in... I think that lady's trying to set me up :/ Well, I guess that's sort of like an honor. But still...
I keep getting told I'm pretty.. How do I respond to that? Complement back? Just smile and say thank you? A preacher said that if I go to the Philippines, alot of guys will be following me around. Why? He said because I'm from America and because I'm 'pretty'. Ssuurree. Oh well. So I met Uncle Erwin, Auntie Mia, Justin, Joshua, and random guy that plays instruments. :) All in three days :D
I LOVE YOU 5:44 AM